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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  April 17, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PDT

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welcome to the show. once again having to start under just horrific events here in this country. i really hate the fact that i can cross reference my thought to so many other events that have occurred over the years of a similar ilk so i'm not going to. i'm just going to say this to boston: thank you. thank you for once again in the face of gross inhumanity inspiring and solidifying my belief in humanity and the people of this country. so thank you. (cheers and applause) for everything that you've done. (applause) an amazing -- that's quite a little city you've got going on up there. and you know new yorkers and boston obviously have kind of a little bit of a competition, often times the two cities accusing each other of various
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levels of suckitude. (laughter) but it is in situations like this that we realize that it is clearly a sibling rivalry and that we are your brothers and sisters in this type of event. as a city that knows the feeling of confusion, anger and grief and chaos that comes with these events, i can tell you from personal experience: you've got a hell of a city going there and you've done an incredible job in the face of all this. (cheers and applause) yup. pretty good. why don't we deal with some non-awful news? it appears we may be on the cusp of a break through on immigration reform. >> the bipartisan senate gang of eight is soon expected to release an immigration blueprint that will include a path to citizenship. >> jon: really?
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"gang?" really? first of all. that's a gang of eight. (laughter) that little group there. you're going to call them a gang? i think you mean the co-op board of eight. (laughter) that is not a gang. how is that a gang? "i get a teardrop tattoo for each apartment application i reject." (laughter) "this tattoo right here, the woman had a dog." (laughter) but a path to citizenship is good news seeing as this is the current path. (audience reacts) so any path is better than this. on sunday gang of eight member captain thirsty, a.k.a. no-spit johnson, a.k.a. the human dessicant, a.k.a. the gel packet they put in clothes so they don't retain moisture, rubio laid out the path. >> you're going to have to pay a fine, an application fee, you have to pass a background check.
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>> jon: (laughs) background check that's easy to get around, background check. all you've got to do is tell immigration you're a gun. (laughter) still, that doesn't sound so bad. you get a few fees, a few forms then you're a citizen, right? >> assuming all that happens the only thing you get is a work permit. >> jon: oh. well, that's kind of a lot of work just to be allowed to do our (bleep)est work. but you know what? it's all worth it when you get to partake in the american dream. >> you don't qualify for any federal benefits and you have to prove that you can sustain and support yourself and you have to be in the system at least ten years before we give you access to apply for the legal immigration system. (laughter) >> jon: okay, now that's starting to sound like a lot. although that is the same system they have a place to get "book of mormon" tickets. (applause) good show. and i'm friends with those guys!
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all right, so this new path to citizenship it's about stamina. it's long, it's arduous, but it's possible. there wouldn't be anything out of these individuals' control that would have to happen before they can walk down this possible path to citizenship? >> you don't gainin access to ay of that until there's a universally verified system in place. >> that would allow employers to check the citizenship status of workers they want to hire. >> jon: that will never happen. (laughter) we still come up with a computer program like that for veterans medical records and we like veterans! (laughter) what else has to happen? >> another is a tracking system to make sure that immigrants who come into the country legally don't end up overstaying their visas. >> jon: no path to citizenship until "logan's run" is a reality. (laughter) wow, i am old. really? no "logan's run" fans? remember "you're going to carousel" and then the people and farrah fawcett would -- (laughter).
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or not! i'm just gonna get some milk. (laughter) then there was the franchise called "star wars". (laughter) and lastly -- >> and lastly there would be what he called real border security which would include fencing. >> jon: fencing? for god's sake, you really think these guys are going to keep immigrants out? (laughter and applause) i mean, come on! oh, with the barbed wire. so congratulations congress, it sure as hell ain't amnesty but by creating this path to citizenship you created a barrier immigrants won't be able to get past. (laughter) for more we turn to senior immigration correspondent al madrigal. (cheers and applause) al, thank for joining us. al, let me ask you this, is -- this immigration bill, is it really going to help its intended beneficiaries? >> jon, i think it's going to be difficult. but i do also think that comprehensive immigration reform
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could help take these people out of the shadows and put them back on a path to presidentship. (laughter) >> jon: i'm sorry, say that again? >> look, jon, clearly republicans think they have to reach out to latinos to regain a chance to occupy the casa blanca, that's why latinos are setting tough but fair conditions for republicans to meet. passing immigration reform is just the beginning. >> jon: what comes next for them? >> for starters they're going to have to go at least ten years without saying something like this. >> my father had a ranch, we used to hire 50 to 60 wetbacks and pick tomatoes. (audience reacts) >> now, unless don young is referring to the many children of alistair and catherine von wetback. (laughter) of the new england von wetbacks, that ain't cool. and i'm not just talking
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national politicians. i'm also talking about mayors who brush off latino racial profiling cases with comments like this. >> what are you doing for the latino community today? >> i might have tacos when i go home. i'm not quite sure yet. (audience reacts) >> might have tacos? might? if you can think of a better way of delivering beef, lettuce, cheese, co-may oes and beans in a crispy or soft shell depending on your preference you're welcome to try, taco mayor! (laughter). >> jon: what about a burrito? >> it's delicious too! (laughter). >> jon: is that it? is that the conditions to put republicans back on a path to presidentship? >> no, it's not it! republicans must also stop using "hispanic" to refer to all latinos. you'll now just have to distinguishes between mexicans, hondurans, guatemalans, dominicans, kardashians. (laughter). >> jon: i don't think kardashians are latino. >> what? kardashians aren't latino? >> jon: no, i don't believe
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so. >> how do you explain their butts? (laughter). >> jon: john. >> go ahead, jon, explain the kardashians' butt. (laughter). >> jon: no. (laughter) look, if the republican party does all the things that you've listed, are latinos then willing to consider putting republicans back on the path to presidentship? amnesty or not? >> yes. with one final requirement. >> jon: yes? >> they must guess what number i'm thinking of. (laughter) between, i don't know, let's say one and a million. >> jon: that's impossible. >> it's not impossible, but, like the path to citizenship that they're offering, it might take a little while. >> jon: thank you, al. al madrigal,do?ó?ó?óóekww]w]w÷o
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, welcome back. lewis black comes on for a segment we call "back in black." ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> this country's finances are in the dumps! we're officially poor! which is appropriate because guess who's the blame? >> people who are perfectly content to live at the expense
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of others, the moocher class out there. >> i'm getting food stamps, i'm getting government checks, i'm going to spend it on whatever i want. >> the bottom 50% have no skin in the game. >> yet they're benefiting from the cost to government that others are paying for. that's simply not right. >> kick in a buck. >> kick in something. >> yeah! the poor are so tight fisted those pricks! kick in a buck! because what problem can't be solved the same way you organize a beer run? (laughter) well, if they're not going to kick in money we're going to have to raise it somehow. i got it! cigarette tax! >> a very regressive tax. it will be raised from cigarette smokers who are disproportionately poor and poorly educated. >> so, the right wants the poor to kick in, just not their cigarette money. when it comes to coughing up a buck or a lung, lung wins.
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(applause) there must be some way to separate poor people from their hard-mooched money. >> the tax of 1% per ounce on soft drinks sweetened with sugar could be an amazing source of revenue for health care reform. >> perfect! make those cigarette-smoking soda-guzzling dummies pay for their own obamacare! (cheers and applause) >> the notion that soda is being placed on a list of sins worthy of being taxed into oblivion will hurt more poor people than anybody else. >> yes. conservatives will fight for the poor's right to see the only doctor who doesn't make you healthier! (laughter and applause) so we can't tax cigarettes or soda. guns? >> i'm worried that particularly poor people, the ones who are most likely to be victims of violent crimes, particularly poor blacks in high-crime urban areas are going to be priced out of being able to own a gun. (audience reacts) >> yes!
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the citizens of poor areas in america today suffer greatly from the scourge of gun sticker shock. (laughter) you're bleeding them dry-- of their money! why does the government want to tax these things anyway? what are they gonna use all that money for? >> part of president obama's signature health care plan be paid for in part with money from a sugary drink excise tax. >> universal background checks. >> that would pay for police. that would pay for public safety programs. >> universal pre-k will be paid for by a cigarette tax. >> smoking to support education? that means i can start my own charter school! (cheers and applause) go fighting -- (coughing) (laughter) so if we raise taxes, it hurts the poor. if we don't raise taxes, it hurts the poor.
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i think we only have one option here. (bleep) the poor! (laughter) we've learned so much from the romans. jon? >> jon: thank you, lewis. lewis black, everybody.
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, his latest film is called "oblivion."
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>> technician 4-9, ships systems are green. i'm good to go. >> copy tech 4-9, you've cleared. >> good work on that. (laughter) >> jon: please welcome back to the show tom cruise! (cheers and applause) >> jon: . >> thank you very much. >> jon: the people love! they love! >> thank you. (cheers and applause) sit in the chair, for god's sake. >> thank you. >> jon: how are you? >> thank you so much. great, man. >> jon: nice to see you again. >> great to see you.
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>> jon: here's what i don't like about this movie. (laughter) >> yeah? >> jon: so you drop into pits on ropes on that wire, you're doing these flips and things and stunts and you did them and you're my age and it upsets me. (laughter) to no end. that's why -- because they said, you know, i go "he did some crazy stunts in this thing." >> and and they said "you know he's 50 now." and i said "no, i'm 50,". >> (laughs). >> jon: how are you still pulling that off? >> i don't know. (laughter) i have no idea. >> jon: is it training? >> a lot of training. >> jon: is it advil? (laughter) >> you know, every now and then. every now and then after a very hard hit you've got to do that. >> jon: that would be. this is one of those -- it's hard to talk about with people without giving too much away so let me if i could give it away. >> please. (laughter) just ruin it for everyone.
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>> jon: (whispering) he's dead the whole time. (laughter) how do you -- when you go into something like this how do you choose the next project? the films you make, they have an intensity to them that i think are these the types of projects that you're drawn to? you feel like you're an adrenaline junkie? this is the kind of thing you want to -- >> what i think of is i want to entertain an audience. that's what i'm thinking of. what is something that would be excited. i met joe kaczynski when he was in postproduction on "tron" and i heard about this brilliant young filmmaker. this is only his second movie. >> jon: this is his second movie? >> this is his second movie. >> jon: that's upsetting as well. (laughter) >> i know! and i met with him and he had this story and he told me the story and i was like "i want to make this movie." >> jon: this is an incredibly visual film and the sets are incredible and there are -- >> just even that sequence that you saw, you see the clouds in
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the background. he actually went and photographed clouds and stars and sunrises and sunsets atop a volcano and projected that. that's not green screen. >> jon: you're kidding me! >> no. so when you're seeing those sets, that's the ambient light. >> jon: if you're telling me that ship is real, too -- (laughter). i'm going to get very upset with this entire thing! (laughter) >> it's real. (laughter) it is! i so wish it was real. >> jon: but it's like a postapocalyptic hell scape but you watch it and you're like "i could live there. they've got cool stuff there." so how do you trust a guy doing his second film. >> you're about to do your first film. very cool. >> jon: death to smoochie and then this. >> very cool. >> jon: but you trust a guy to work with an actor of your experience. >> you know, that's the fun of it. you sit down and i've produced a lot of films and i learn from
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him and i just kind of work with him and say okay, what's the story? what do you want to do? what are you going to create? and i theme to help as an actor on set i'm just doing my job and you can see the guy the just enormously talented. >> jon: is it difficult to relinquish control? >> no. no because it takes a village to make a movie. it's not -- >> jon: yeah, that was the less successful sequel to hillary clinton's book. (laughter) it takes a village to make a movie. >> (laughs) to make a movie. (laughs) >> jon: every now and again i get one off. >> you do, you do. it's -- you know, when i'm working on something it's not about me, it's about the story. you bring a team of people and you just want them to give you their best and so, no. >> jon: morgan freeman. >> legend. >> jon: legend! and whatever he's in a movie i always feel like "oh, everything will turn out." >> yeah.
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>> jon: because i feel like morgan freeman wouldn't let bad things happen. (laughter) >> no, no. >> jon: he's that type of dude. >> he's got that kind of presence. i've been wanting to work with him forever. >> jon: this is the first time? >> first time. and i admire his work so much. did you ever see "street smart"? >> no. >> incredible. it's his first -- >> jon: forget about "oblivion." "street smart." oh, that's right, i'm supposed to be promoting "oblivion." >> jon: "street smart" with morgan freeman. it's on netflix. (laughter) but he can do everything. >> i blew that, didn't i? >> jon: not at all. and everything that he does -- there's a quality to it, a humanity to it. he's one of those guys you always feel like there's a humanity to each character he brings. >> no matter what the character, good guy or bad guy.
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he's just that voice, too. and i think -- i don't want to give it away -- >> jon: give it away! i'll give it away, it's not a twist. his voice comes out and it's very powerful. he's morgan freeman and he's very powerful. >> jon: i've always wondered this about film because it's very different than television. we've been doing this everyday for like 15 years and we become a family and the camaraderie and friendships. when you do the film, though, the intensity is so great and then everybody goes "hey, man, that was fun. okay, see you at the premier." do you just pile up friend that you correspondent with? >> you pile up friend you correspond with and when you see the each other it's like time hadn't passed. >> jon: >> jon: old home week. >> it really is. >> jon: except for one dude who you hate and you can name him right now if you want. (laughter) just name one. >> except for, you know -- and no one wants to talk to him anyway. >> jon: give it away! (laughter) "oblivion" will be in theaters on friday competing against "street smart." i don't know what's going to
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happen. (laughter) tom cruise, thank you so much for being here. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, everybody. that is our show, i just want to say once again, we're with you, guys. although i wouldn't mind if the nicks took you in seven. that's all i'm saying! we're still with you. our hearts go out, we love you, but the nicks haven't won a playoff series. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen.
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